(Scene: The Oval Office, February, 1864. President Lincoln and his long-time friend, Joshua Fry Speed, are sitting in comfortable chairs, talking about the war. It’s late)
Speed: Well, old friend, my carriage is waiting. This conversation will have to be continued in the morrow.
Lincoln: Off so early? You said Fanny was away with her mother in Baltimore.
Speed: Yes, that’s right. Still, I have work in the morning.
Lincoln: It’s late, Joshua. Why don’t you stay here? Mary’s away, as well, and this place is so quiet and empty with her gone.
Speed: Well, I suppose…
Lincoln: You can stay with me in the Presidential bedroom.
Speed: You mean, sleep on the settee?
Lincoln: Nonsense! You’ll sleep with me in my bed.
Speed: Abe…there are rumors…
Lincoln: Say nothing more of it! We’re old friends, are we not? Let them talk! There’s not a streak of lavender here, no sir.
Speed: I suppose. Let’s have at it.
(Minutes later, Lincoln and Speed are standing on opposite sides of the bed. Speed is wearing a long shirt with NORTH printed on it)
Speed: Thank you for loaning me a shirt, Abe
Lincoln: You look handsome in it. Really handsome. Really, really handsome. Open a few more buttons at the top.
(Lincoln then removes his beard and places it on the nightstand)
Speed: Well knock me into a cocked hat! Your beard!’
(Lincoln then opens his shirt to reveal a shaved chest and pierced nipples)’
Speed: Fix my flint, Abe! You look like a dandy poof!
Lincoln (sighing): I have something to tell you, Speed. I haven’t exactly been Honest Abe with you. It’s time to get right with all creation.
Speed: What do you mean?
Lincoln: I may have a streak of lavender, after all. Come on. Let’s get into bed.
Speed: Hang up my fiddle, Abe. I never knew.
Lincoln: No one knows, except Mary. And now you. And maybe a few of those fellows I wrassled with back in Springfield.
Speed: You’ve got this country honey-fuggled, for sure! I can’t say it isn’t funny.
Lincoln: Touch me, Speed.
Lincoln: Touch me. Tell me I’m nice.
Speed: Well, all right.
(An hour or so later. Both men are lying in bed, sheets pulled up, staring at the ceiling. Lincoln is smiling, Speed looks shocked)
Speed: Have I told you what an old biddy Fanny is?
Lincoln: I think I know.
Speed: I’ve never had such a time in bed, in such a way.
Lincoln: They don’t call me Stinkin’ Lincoln for nothing.
Speed: I have to say, I’m thinking of leaving Fanny.
Lincoln: They don’t call me the Great Emancipator for nothing.
Speed: Let’s do it again! Hurt me some more! Hurt me good!
Lincoln: They don’t call me the Rail Splitter for nothing.