How to understand revisionist history

13 Oct

(Scene: The Oval Office, February, 1864. President Lincoln and his long-time friend, Joshua Fry Speed, are sitting in comfortable chairs, talking about the war. It’s late)

Speed: Well, old friend, my carriage is waiting. This conversation will have to be continued in the morrow.

Lincoln: Off so early? You said Fanny was away with her mother in Baltimore.

Speed: Yes, that’s right. Still, I have work in the morning.

Lincoln: It’s late, Joshua. Why don’t you stay here? Mary’s away, as well, and this place is so quiet and empty with her gone.

Speed: Well, I suppose…

Lincoln: You can stay with me in the Presidential bedroom.

Speed: You mean, sleep on the settee?

Lincoln: Nonsense! You’ll sleep with me in my bed.

Speed: Abe…there are rumors…

Lincoln: Say nothing more of it! We’re old friends, are we not? Let them talk! There’s not a streak of lavender here, no sir.

Speed: I suppose. Let’s have at it.

(Minutes later, Lincoln and Speed are standing on opposite sides of the bed. Speed is wearing a long shirt with NORTH printed on it)

Speed: Thank you for loaning me a shirt, Abe

Lincoln: You look handsome in it. Really handsome. Really, really handsome. Open a few more buttons at the top.

(Lincoln then removes his beard and places it on the nightstand)

Speed: Well knock me into a cocked hat! Your beard!’

(Lincoln then opens his shirt to reveal a shaved chest and pierced nipples)’

Speed: Fix my flint, Abe! You look like a dandy poof!

Lincoln (sighing): I have something to tell you, Speed. I haven’t exactly been Honest Abe with you. It’s time to get right with all creation.

Speed: What do you mean?

Lincoln: I may have a streak of lavender, after all. Come on. Let’s get into bed.

Speed: Hang up my fiddle, Abe. I never knew.

Lincoln: No one knows, except Mary. And now you. And maybe a few of those fellows I wrassled with back in Springfield.

Speed: You’ve got this country honey-fuggled, for sure! I can’t say it isn’t funny.

Lincoln: Touch me, Speed.

Speed: What?

Lincoln: Touch me. Tell me I’m nice.

Speed: Well, all right.

(An hour or so later. Both men are lying in bed, sheets pulled up, staring at the ceiling. Lincoln is smiling, Speed looks shocked)

Speed: Have I told you what an old biddy Fanny is?

Lincoln: I think I know.

Speed: I’ve never had such a time in bed, in such a way.

Lincoln: They don’t call me Stinkin’ Lincoln for nothing.

Speed: I have to say, I’m thinking of leaving Fanny.

Lincoln: They don’t call me the Great Emancipator for nothing.

Speed: Let’s do it again! Hurt me some more! Hurt me good!

Lincoln: They don’t call me the Rail Splitter for nothing.

The End.



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