How to get a free time machine

13 Oct

These days, owning a time machine is almost a necessity. Whether you’re jumping a few months forward to see who won the World Series,  back a few decades to impregnate your mother and become the father of your half-brother, or just killing a baby that’s going to grow up to be the great-grandfather of the cop who wrote you a speeding ticket today, a time machine is nearly indispensible for today’s “man about time.”

Unfortunately, time machines are expensive. Of course, you can always take one on a test drive, leap forward to the point where the time machine dealership has closed and the arrest warrant for you has expired. This works, but you’ll also find that the time machine you’ve stolen is painfully out of style. What if you had stolen a 1973 Pinto and hidden it until today? Same concept. Sure, you have a free car, but what’s the point?

You can also go back in time and show scientists your miraculous “Time Travelling Horseless Carriage” (as they used to be known). Scientists just a few years ago didn’t think time travel was possible, and they’ll likely give you a lot of money for your invention. Once they hand over the money, tell them you have to deposit it in your bank, which was just (will) opened (open) 20 years from now (then).

They’ll likely get suspicious at this point. “What if you don’t come back so we can analyze your invention and build one just like it?” one of the smarter scientists will ask.

Invite him to come along with you to make sure you return.

“Well, don’t mind if I do,” he’ll say, grinning wildly as his scientist friends all cheer and slap him on the back; “yeah! Go, Nelson!” they’ll say.

Instead of launching forward, however, launch backwards 135 million years. The scientist won’t know what’s going on because the controls are complicated on a time machine. Even though he’s a scientist, it would be a bit like showing Galileo a cell phone. Now, open the door and push the scientist out into a field full of dinosaurs then take off.

Now you can go back to your time and legally purchase the time machine (note: be sure to get cash. The scientists will likely stop payment on a check, and then you’re screwed.)

If these methods sound underhanded, try purchasing your time machine the old-fashioned way: Get it financed. Of course, your payment is going to be huge, so once you take delivery of your machine, simply fly back a few years and destroy your credit. Go crazy. Buy a bunch of condos in Vegas and never make a payment. This way, when the time comes, you won’t have the credit to buy the time machine. Ergo, no payments. If your friends in the past try to point out that this sets up a fatal paradox, simply shrug, climb into your time machine and load up some old Van Halen from your iPod. Turn it up, shut the door, and salute your friends. Now, go back a day and give them all a wedgie.


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