How to be a quantum mechanic in as little as nine months: FAQ

30 Aug

Are you tired of wasting your life in a dead-end job? If so, consider training in the exciting field of quantum mechanics! A quantum mechanic can make good money in a growing field. You can become a certified quantum mechanic in as little as nine months with a fast-track program through many community colleges.

I’m a diesel mechanic. Is there much difference between that and quantum mechanics?

While a diesel engine is a big, smog-belching, internal combustion engine, a quantum mechanical system is represented by unit – or state – vectors, residing in a complex separable Hilbert space.

So there’s not much difference?

Well, these projectivizations are dependent on the system and are defined by square integrable functions. Each observable state is represented by a maximally Hermitian (self-adjoint) linear operator.

OK, sounds good. I’m sick and tired of heavy chunks of steel falling on my face. Will this happen to me as a quantum mechanic?

A quantum mechanic works with the smallest particles of matter: electrons, photons, bosons, fermions, leptons, and neutrinos. They simply pass through your face.

I like it when things go through my face. Are they really dirty and greasy?

No, but they are slippery! Sometimes they act like a particle, and sometimes like a wave. You never really know how they’ll behave.

Sounds like somebody needs an ass-whoopin. What’s the downside?

Quantum mechanics have to deal with a lot of uncertainty. Contrary to diesel mechanics, you can never make simultaneous predictions of conjugate variables, such as position and momentum, with any accuracy. This would be equivalent to you looking for the oil filter on a Petersbuilt and finding it on the front seat!

Sounds like Earl’s having me on.

Earl Scruggs?

Nah, he don’t work here any more. Earl Simpson.

Oh.

Will I need a set of teeny-tiny wrenches to be a quantum mechanic?

No, but you will need access to a particle accelerator, a giant machine that shoots things to near light-speed and smashes them together. If you like, you can put Earl’s sandwich in there and smash it all to pieces.

He’d be all, “which one of you idiots took my sambitch and squarshed it in this here super-smashy!” Won’t that get olive loaf all over the inside of the particle machine?

Quantum mechanics do whatever they want. They have Ph.Ds.

I’ve dabbled in quantum mechanics out in my garage. I completely rebuilt a ’67 Camero with quantum parts. I’m sure it’s beautiful, but I can barely see it. It’s pretty fast, but when I try to clock it in the quarter mile, I can’t find it. When I find it, I can’t clock it.

This is Heisenberg’s Uncertainty Principle, as explained above.

Thanks for the information! Me and Earl is gonna open up our very own quantum mechanics shop and work on some teeny-tiny stuff!

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