How to make a spectacular entrance, every time

4 Aug

There’s nothing worse than walking into a grocery store or an airport filled with hundreds of strangers and having no one pay attention to you.

“Ta-da! I’m heeeerrrre!” we say, or something like it, arms outstretched, back arched, our feet at right angles to one another.

No one looks. No one cares. We might as well be invisible.

We have failed to make a spectacular entrance. We can’t help but wonder: maybe I need a bigger hat. Or, what if I make my entrance on a Bengal tiger? What if I raced through the door in a miniature clown car, with a horn that goes neep neep? What if I sashayed in with a phalanx of nubile, teenaged Trobrianders dressed in coconut bras and belly rings? Where can I rent a flock of doves these days?

Now you’re thinking! Here are some more ideas:

1. Let’s say you have a huge presentation to make to the board of directors in New York. Instead of bustling in nervously with stacks of papers, why not rise up from underneath the floor on some sort of hydraulic piston? There is nothing more impressive than a mid-level manager rising up from the floor on a hydraulic dais, with jets of fire shooting up around his ankles. The board will be so impressed they’ll quickly forget that profits are down nearly 400 percent in the third quarter!

Be sure, however, that janitors haven’t moved the conference table. There’s nothing worse than a bunch of company directors having to listen to your hysterical screams as you’re slowly smashed all over the underside of their conference table by a hydraulic piston.

2.The Department of Motor Vehicles is probably the most depressing building you can walk into: monotone walls with Most Wanted posters, moldering linoleum, bald fluorescent lights, hard plastic chairs and scowling agents. People stoop, visibly, upon entering such a place!

So instead of taking a number and grabbing a seat for the next hour, why not take a number and crawl into the ventilation system? When your number is called, crash through the ceiling amid a thunderstorm of gypsum board and insulation. If you can’t bust through the ceiling, bang on it and scream, “I’m up here!” Even better, drill a small hole through the ceiling and shove your paperwork through. Watch as it flutters to the floor. No one will know what the heck is going on.

3. Instead of walking through the airport metal detector, drive right over it in an M1 Abrams tank. Get out when you get to the other side and apologize for not removing all the metal from your pockets.

4. Instead of appearing in front of the judge at traffic court, why not hide under his desk? Try not to giggle as he’s about to issue a warrant for your failure to appear in court. Just stick your head through a hole in his bench and say, “hey, judge, which way to Albuquerque?” in a loud and determined voice. No one will know what the heck is going on.

5. The next time you have to go grocery shopping, see if someone can shoot you into the store with a cannon. Imagine everyone’s surprise as they pass you in the parking lot, only to be passed by you in the cereal aisle going 120 miles per hour! Be sure to tape some pillows to your head before you hit the meat freezer.

Remember: making a spectacular entrance is all about the element of shock, and it usually involves smashing/crushing/blowing things apart. So, the next time someone offers to hold the door for you, just smile and say with confidence, “no thanks, I’ll be going through the wall.”

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2 Responses to “How to make a spectacular entrance, every time”

  1. Pammy August 20, 2010 at 7:44 am #

    oh, the visuals. no one can paint a visual like you, matt.

    • thecramp August 20, 2010 at 2:12 pm #

      Thank you, I say, shivering a bit in the cool, Portland morning, sipping at a steaming cup of Peet’s French Roast.

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