It’s true: children love to beat animals with sticks until they burst open. However, if you’re tired of filling your kid’s pinata with the same old collection of hard candy, why not try something new? How about cheesy enchiladas, or spaghetti in meat sauce? These things not only have less sugar than candy, they look hilarious flopping out of a pinata.
1. Children love mayonnaise, especially when it’s hot and runny and gulping from a paper mache goat with a traumatic spinal injury. There’s nothing like the sound of children laughing with joy, slathered and sliding around in their favorite condiment, racing to see who can fill their pillow case with mayonnaise first. Parents should be warned, however! Children will gobble up so much of the oily, eggy treat they’re likely to get a belly ache later!
2. Try filling your pinata with what would logically be inside that thing or animal. Use this as a teaching tool. For example, fill a race car pinata with gasoline, and ask the children, “what’s in a race car, kids?
“Boogers!” they’ll shout, or something else completely inane and illogical, their pupils making little scribbles inside their eyeballs. Then they’ll laugh hysterically and start jumping around like pogo sticks for no reason at all. It’s the grape Kool-Aid talking. They’ll shut up when they’re all doused with gasoline.
Other ideas: Fill a donkey pinata with offal from your local butcher. Imagine the look on that gadabout Sheila McIntire’s face when a small, purple flap of stomach tissue lands in her Cosmopolitan! Serves her right!
Fill a star pinata with thermonuclear energy, aka “hot cheese dip.” The scalding cheese will forever remind children how dangerous it is to stare into the sun. Fill a Scooby-Doo pinata with fine, Mexican sensimilla. Fill a caterpillar with rotting compost. Fill a Hannah Montana pinata with swamp gas or bull semen.
3. Have an existential pinata, which is empty, or filled with a bunch of smaller pinatas which are, themselves, empty. Or, maybe, a midget with a television set for a head falls out and then sits in the corner of the living room screaming “Betty!” over and over. Whatever it is, explain to the children that all is meaningless, hope is ephemeral, and disappointment is the only constant in life. Then sing a dissonant, off-key version of Happy Birthday, by yourself, at the top of your lungs, and serve a blackened cake made of ashes and dung.
4. Or, try a live pinata! These are really catching on in Afghanistan, and are usually just an old goat that’s past her breeding years, or an infidel. Candy must be inserted somehow, usually by swallowing, and usually at gunpoint. Have the children chase the goat or infidel and hit it until the candy is “released,” usually from sheer terror and exhaustion. Wash candy thoroughly.