How to deep fry everything in your house

4 Aug

It’s no secret, frying is a great way to entertain. But did you know that you can fry anything? It’s true! If you have enough batter and a big enough fryer, you can fry a house!

Your kids love the sight of a big basket of hush puppies or french fries, seasoned and deep-fried to perfection. But what about frying their personal belongings? Imagine their surprise when they discover that you’ve deep-fried nearly everything in their bedroom, including the door and the light fixture!

Forget Tinkerbell and GI Joe themes, they now live in a puffy, bubbly, crusty-crunchy, partially hydrogenated wonderland!

“You fried my dresser! Thanks, mom!” your oldest boy cries, tearing out a sock drawer and shoving it in his mouth.

You watch as your daughter peels her comforter off her bed in little pieces. It’s crispy and flaky and a deep golden-brown because you used Crisco. Underneath, her sheets are juicy and piping hot, perfect for sleeping.

“This shag carpet is so warm and salty!” your youngest boy says, lying face-first on a throw rug, which looks like a huge plate of fried shrimp.

“And you fried Buster, too,” you daughter whispers, clutching her teddy bear as she slowly nibbles herself to sleep.

“I did Buster tempura style,” you say, kissing her forehead.

Of course, your husband will appreciate your new-found passion for frying, too.

“Thanks for frying my penis. It seems a lot more girthy,” he says, pulling you in close as you brush your teeth with cheese dip. “Mmm…you smell like a grease trap.”

You smile as he pulls off his deep fried pajama bottoms and splatters a little more malt vinegar on your pillows. He pulls a corn dog out of the nightstand and wags it in your direction: “Look what I found,” he says, smiling mischievously.

You crunch under the sheets with him. It’s your special night, and you’ve made it even more special by deep frying your titties, too.

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