How to be the biggest, gayest Boy Scout ever

4 Aug

Why do you want to be a Boy Scout?

Scouting isn’t about hiking and camping. It’s not about learning to use a compass, or tie knots, or start a fire using nothing but a dry stick and a piece of your small intestine.

It’s not about community service, or nuclear weaponry, or even blind patriotism to an imperial state.

No. While it’s all of these things, it’s also about exploring your sexual identity as a young bi/curious lad of 13. It’s about cross-dressing, and kissing a boy for the first time, and making forays into the underground transgender community. It’s about wearing your sister’s super-tight panties to a scout banquet and showing off your Roberto Cavalli pup tent with the faux llama-skin floor. Scouting is divine!

Being a gay scout is easier than ever. In fact, many merit badges can be adapted to fit a bi/curious lifestyle. For example:

Pathfinding: Map a path to your local shoe store and buy some pointy Italian boots.

Carpentry: Wear ass-less chaps and a tool belt with studs in it. Put on a hard hat and snicker. Loudly announce, “I got a hard hat, fellas!” to your comrades, or whatever you call the other guys in your collective. Say it again, or scream it, to make sure they all heard you.

Next, hold a tiny hammer by the neck and tap lightly on a huge nail. When you hit your fingernail, squeal and shriek, “I just had these done!” Now, get on your flip phone and hire some sexy hair-ball of a Romanian carpenter and you’ll probably get the Entrepreneur merit badge, too.

Forestry: Dress up like Snow White and take a long walk in the woods. When you come upon a bunch of dwarfs, ask which one’s Horny. “Well,” Doc will say, chuckling, “We don’t have one of those.”

Ask if there’s a Dressy, or a Barry, or a Don’t Talk Much.

“We killed and ate Barry last winter,” Doc will say, sadly. “We do have a Bashful, however!”

Lick your lips and give Bashful a sinister smile: “He’ll do just fine. Just fine.” Now, buy him for a few pieces of silver and you can probably apply for the merit badge listed below.

Human Trafficking: Is there a Human Trafficking merit badge? Who knows. Probably not. Who cares? Just put on your boy scout uniform and head to southeast Asia. Within days you’ll likely become trafficked to some middle east Sultanate. As part of a vast harem, you’ll have all the time and resources to work on the rest of the merit badges, like signaling, and wood carving, and foo-foo drink mixology.

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