How to talk to your penis about smoking

24 Jul

You’ve had a long day at work, you’re tired, and you just want to take a long shower and climb into bed. However, as you remove your underwear, a half-pack of cigarettes falls to the floor and the smell of a dirty ashtray wafts from your crotch.

You stare down in disbelief. Has your penis been smoking?

You bite your lip and sit down hard on the toilet seat.

“I…I…guess I expected more from you,” you mutter. Awkward silence. Your mind is suddenly flooded with memories of better times: the camp outs, the baseball games, your penis dressed in his little Webelos uniform as you built the fastest pinewood derby racer in the history of Den 31.

You probably should have talked about smoking long ago. Is it too late? He’s getting so big and he’s running with a rough crowd now. You found a bunch of empty beer cans in your biking shorts last Sunday.

He seems so distant. You remember how he used to jump into your right hand before bedtime, just wanting to play and play.

You sigh, and pick up the cigarettes – unfiltered Camels – just like your dad’s penis used to smoke. “Are these yours?” you ask, wagging them in front of him.

He ignores you, lying against your upper thigh and looking away. You feel the anger rising.

This is your first mistake. No one wants to talk to someone angry. Your penis will probably just ignore you, or blame the cigarettes on your sphincter. So, try to use an upbeat tone of voice. A simple question like, “have you been smoking, penis?” asked with a smile and solid eye contact will get a more honest answer.

If you do find yourself getting angry, avoid direct accusations, like, “you don’t care about me!” Avoid pointing, crossing your arms and putting your hands on your hips. If you find yourself yelling at your penis, take a time out. Say, “we can talk more about this later,” and pull up your pants. Saying something you don’t mean could take its toll on your relationship.

Ask your penis if he realizes the consequences of smoking. Call your great Aunt Shirley and let him hear her raspy voice. Better yet, allow her to speak to him directly. Tell your penis that bassoon players can’t be smokers, and if he wants to make honor band this year, he’d better lay off the cigs.

Finally, don’t be afraid to touch your penis even though he seems “all grown up.” Hugs and goodnight kisses are still important, and a pat on the back for a job well done is never out of order.


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