How to survive a live burial during your Mormon missionary work

24 Jul

Let’s say you’re in the middle of a wonderful dream about lime Jell-o and the new Toyota Sienna when you suddenly come-to with a start, sit up, and bang your head on the lid of a coffin. You’ve been buried alive!

You panic: This wasn’t covered in the weekend seminar about missionary work in Africa! They mentioned pinworms and castor beans, but nothing about necromancy and live human burial.

So what does one do when buried alive? You can try pulling the little string that goes up to a bell on the surface of the earth. If there isn’t one, try the satellite telephone that rings in your mother’s kitchen in Utah. Just kidding. There won’t be one of those.

Man, you think, that old Congolese witch doctor was serious when he told you to give him back his wallet. Come to think of it, he was pretty upset. And what was that he said as he walked away? Was he conjuring dark spirits from the underworld? Then he came back and blew that white powder in your face. “Hey! We have a volunteer from the aud – !” you said, pitching forward. That’s about the last thing you remember.

Note to self: there will be no more sleight of hand magic tricks from you, Elder Slidell!

What the heck! The humidity in here is going to wreck havoc with your nice, Morman complexion. You wonder what Kindra is doing right now back in Provo. If she knew you’d just been shot through with tetrodotoxin and buried alive by a Congolese bokor, she’d probably laugh and laugh. “Just like you to cause mischief, Mr. Kent Slidell!”

Gosh, Kindra sure is pretty. You bet she’s hanging out at the mall right now, sipping on a Bananarilla from the Orange Julius (just one straw, you hope!) and picking out a couple of Thomas Kinkade prints for the apartment you’ll be getting, once you’re sealed together for all eternity. Should you get a one bedroom or a two bedroom? Who cares! As long as it has a bedroom! Ha, ha, ha! Ha, ha, ha! Ha, ha, ha!

Oh, great: something just “came up” in your wrinkle-free, Sans-a-belt dress slacks. What a weird time for THAT to happen! It’s all smashed against the top of the coffin! Ouch! You wonder if you’re going to die a virgin, or even worse: a zombie virgin. Do they let zombies into the celestial kingdom? Are baptisms for the un-dead allowed?

Where the heck is Elder Smith? Some magician’s assistant he is. And what’s that round thing down by your feet? Jell-o! Oh, wait: it’s Elder Smith’s severed head. Gross! Your big toe just went right up his trachea.

What’s that scratching noise? Maybe dingoes have come to dig up your corpse. Actually, it’s just the necromancer, here to claim his prize.

Enoch, Elijah and John! Even a witch doctor needs to hear the Good Word. This will be the conversion of your life!

Only you can’t speak. Someone seems to have removed your tongue.


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