So: your husband has lost interest in sex. While most wives are quick to blame their disintegrating bodies and a mind dulled from the ravages of child-rearing, that’s usually only half the story. Some of it is his fault, believe it or not! And, since men are usually too out-of-touch with their feelings to express what they truly want, it’s up to you to figure out how to put the zoom back in your bedroom.
Why not start with the basics? Try serving him an intimate, lobster dinner by candlelight. Wear a French maid outfit while you iron his shirts, or send him a racy email detailing your most private fantasy! Surprise him with a big kiss right when he gets home, or waddle into the shower with him on a Saturday morning!
If these don’t work, turn it up a notch! Pay a visit to your local “adult” video store and pick up a few –ah-hem – “how to” DVDs, if you know what we mean! Buy some kinky leather outfits (get them online if you’re too embarrassed to buy them in person). Finally, try role playing. Dress like a school girl and insist that “you’ve been a bad girl.” Let your imagination take it from there!
If you’re still leaving him cold, you might have to get out the big guns. See if he’d like to choke a prostitute while you masturbate with a saxophone. Make him a steamy “sex sandwich” with your soiled panties and some braunschweiger you stuffed up your ass. Put a wading pool filled with creamed corn in the middle of the living room and lay in it naked with a shaved Damascus goat. Dress up like Sigmund Freud and writhe around under his feet like a snake while he reads the evening paper. Show up at his workplace completely wasted and start screaming about his micro-penis. Throw up all over the marble foyer and then slip in your vomit and crack your head open. Some guys find this sexy.
If he still isn’t impressed, you’ll have to go for the jugular. And by that I mean you might have to cut his throat. It’s one of the weirdest fetishes, but hey.