How to run “chopper style,” like we did in the fourth grade

24 Jul

Chopper style running is generally credited to Tom Heinen, who was the fastest kid in Mrs. Sutton’s class. Sweet mother of mercy, that kid was fast. He was only four feet tall but I swear to God his legs were five feet long, all tucked up under him like landing gear. He had six knees on each leg. He didn’t run so much as pinwheel across the ground. I don’t know where his mom got his pants.

Anyway, to run chopper style first plant your upper teeth down on your lower lip and bug your eyes out like you mean business. Now, do something to necessitate a hard, fast run: I suggest you kick Steve Westerman in the nuts or wipe a booger on Debbie Neissen.

Oh, crap, you better run now! Run for your life, you weirdo! I can’t believe you just did that!

Here’s the important part: don’t make fists. If you do, you will soon feel the hot, angry breath of Steve Westerman or Debbie Neissen on your neck. Instead, flatten your palms and “chop” the air. This will reduce air friction and increase your speed by at least 600 miles per hour. Your tennis shoes will probably melt off.

Finally, don’t tell girls, East Germany, or the Pittsburgh Steelers about the chopper style, or U R a fag.

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