How to remove a head

24 Jul

If you’re like most teenagers, you will occassionally discover an unsightly head growing on your torso. While heads can be painful and ugly (and always seem to show up the day before prom!) they are curable.

There are several things to determine when dealing with a head. First, how long has it been there? If your head has appeared recently (in the past 15 years), it may still be loose. Try grasping it firmly with both hands and twisting. If it turns easily, go ahead and spin it around several times. Continue to turn until it snaps off at the base. Voila! Wrap your head in tissue and flush it down the toilet.

You can also try to kill the head by painting it with fingernail polish remover, which contains acetone. Do this before bed, then wrap your head in plastic wrap, cinching it tightly in place with as many rubber bands as you can find. The acetone will irritate the head, causing it to seperate from your neck stalk. Hopefully, by morning, you will wake up with a rotting, chemically-exsiccated head wrapped in plastic on your pillow!

If these cures don’t work, there are also several over-the-counter medications available, including hydrochloric acid, butane torches and hatchets. A really stubborn head can be removed by your dermatologist, who will use even stronger chemical solvents, a hedge trimmer, and perhaps even a speedboat or a small airplane.

Finally, what if your head can’t be removed? Remember that most heads are completely benign, and won’t affect your physical health. However, most heads also say stupid, ridiculous things and have stupid, ugly faces, which can definitely affect one’s self-esteem. Most teens with inoperable heads learn to live with their stupid, ugly face and stupid personality by becoming introverted and extemely overweight. Others decorate their head, become extroverted, join the drama club, and — of course — gain a lot of weight. Find what works best for you!

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