First, get a hog nose. If the hog insists that he’s still using it, ask to borrow it. If he wants to know why, tell him you’re doing a still-life watercolor of various noses. “Oh, I suppose that would be all right,” he’ll say, somewhat flattered, handing over his nose.
Next, boil the nose in salted water for about two hours. If you notice the hog climbing out of a taxicab in front of your house, simply shut the blinds and turn up some music.
Allow the nose to cool, then pull all the hairs out of it. Sliver the nose meat and return it to the liquid with onion, garlic, and vinegar.
Simmer until the meat is tender, ignoring any frantic knocking on your front door. Layer strips of meat in a loaf pan. Return broth to boiling and pour over meat. Let the jelly cool until it has set, usually 1-2 hours. Slice the jellied loaf and arrange on a platter with apples, crackers and bits of hard cheese.
At this point, there will probably be several gunshots as the hog blows the knob off your kitchen door and crashes in, frantic and sweaty. “I tried calling you, like, 70 times!” he’ll scream.
Simply smile sweetly and with a showman-like flourish show him the tasty treat you made with his nose. Then, ask if you can borrow his loins.