How to knock your baby’s teeth out

24 Jul

Teething can be a painful and stressful event for both baby and parent. If your child seems to be having undue difficulty with her new teeth, why not hammer them all out? Considering the pain, trauma, and lost sleep most babies endure for a rather inferior set of chompers, it doesn’t make any sense not to!

Ask yourself: why the hell does a baby need teeth? Shark babies need teeth. Are you feeding your baby raw seal meat? Also, these teeth are only temporary! In six years or so, they’ll be clattering from her mouth in a tiny enameled hailstorm. And, for some reason, she will aggressively seek money for them.

So why not do your baby – and you – a favor, and smash out all her teeth? It’s easy: just tap once or twice on a tooth, twist, and remove. You can even wear all your baby’s teeth around your neck. When people ask about your new necklace, tell them: “it’s made out of all my baby’s teeth that I removed with a hammer.” Yea! You’re pretty!

Warning: Do not knock out your baby’s second set of teeth.

Note: If your kindergartener wants to know why he’s toothless, tell him to stop masturbating.

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