How to join a small to medium-sized mob

24 Jul

As opposed to medium-large and extra-large mobs, integrating with and finding your place in a small to medium-sized mob can be imposing for the beginning rioter.

First of all, don’t try to meet everyone right away. Since most people in the mob will likely be agitated and hurling obscenities, keep conversation to a minimum. If you like, try passing out name tags. This can be a good way for everyone to learn names while sliding under a riot vehicle or breaching a perimeter fence.

Also, don’t show up empty-handed. Bring something that’s easy to eat while running backwards, like chicken fingers. A zesty nacho plate is fine if it’s a sit-down protest, but you’ll also have to bring a lot of plates. Avoid anything that might be construed as a weapon, like candy hand grenades or gun-shaped sandwiches. Don’t worry about drinks, but bring a water bottle, preferably one with a large opening that can be filled by a water cannon.

Don’t try to turn over a police car by yourself. They’re heavy! If you think you’d like to turn a vehicle over, start with something small, like a baby stroller. You can even set the baby stroller on fire when you’re done. Don’t forget to take pictures.

Eat a large volume of pizza and don’t use the bathroom before you join the small to medium-sized mob, in case you’re asked to donate some feces to hurl at the pigs. Rioters are an impatient bunch, and watching you strain, red-faced, in the middle of the street with your pants around your ankles is a total buzz-kill.

If a police officer shoots you with a rubber bullet or hits you with his truncheon, see if he’d like to sign your t-shirt (note: he might shoot you a few more times as you go over to ask). It’s a fun way to commemorate your involvement in the riot, and shows everyone that you were there!

And there you have it! Please note that these instructions are only for a small to medium-sized mob. Participating in a medium-large to extra-large mob is completely different.

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