How to fix a leaky faucet when you’re tired and drunk

24 Jul

First, fly into a irrational, horrifying rage. Grab the first heavy object you see through your limited and/or blurred field of vision, and begin to smash it against the faucet spout. Scream profanities as the object you are pounding with begins to splinter and fly apart in your face. If blood appears anywhere on your body, be sure to angle and twist your torso to maximize the splatter field. This will help in repairing the faucet.

Next, stagger to the garage and get a cinder block. You may have to swat your wife’s hands aside to do this, and ignore the police sirens that are getting louder and louder. Go back to the bathroom and – taking careful aim – swing the cinder block straight into the faucet handle with all your might. If your rage hasn’t subsided, this should easily drive the handle stem through the plastic mixing hub, perforating the valve. There! You’re done!

Sometimes (usually in older houses), there will be two handles mocking you. In this case, you should go ahead and smash the sink vanity into tiny pieces.

(Note: be sure to turn off the water before attempting any type of plumbing repair!)

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