How to create a garden of inhuman delights

24 Jul

Forget store bought heads! Growing juicy, delicious, garden-fresh heads is easier than ever!

First, decide what you like. For something simple, try a blend of brilliant white caucasian hybrids, known as “honky heads” — always nice around Easter! A wild, ethnic mix is perfect for your inner-city community garden. Exotic African hybrids are extremely heat-tolerant. They also have beautiful eyes and make a lovely bouquet! Hispanic varieties will put off lots of runners and propagate well, but tend to pop up all over the place. They have no respect for borders!

Next, go to your local head grower and buy your head seedlings (called “necks”). Dig 6-inch, circular holes and throw in a bowl of spaghetti or a few shredded beef tacos for each neck. Cover with loose topsoil and water well. Within 8 to 10 days you should see tender, young skullcaps pressing up from the soil surface. Hats will keep them from excess sunlight.

Your heads, of course, will be filled with a palpable terror as they burst from the ground and become aware of this almost inconceivable horror. They are human heads growing out of dirt, you know! They’ll strain to and fro as much as their root system will allow, speak in short, staccato sentences – “whatthe…?!” and “wheream…I…?!” and even ask to see an attorney. Some may even try to bargain with you. Like they’re in any position to bargain!

You can try explaining to them the concept of Karma, but they’ll likely pelt you with profanities. Some will just stare straight ahead and scream, endlessly, day and night. You can either pull these up or get a leather ball gag at your local S&M supply shop. A potato also works well.

You’ll know you’re ready for a harvest when your heads fall over in exhaustion, hounded by the specter of a soulless death, an expression of unmitigated panic etched on their raw, sunburned faces.

I like to leave them in the sun for a few days to let the sugars set. They’re so much sweeter this way!

Bon Appetit!

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