How to care for a wolf child

24 Jul

Being raised by wolves can be unsettling for a young human child. Walking upright and lacking a thick, luxurious coat of hair is awkward and embarrassing. Having a poor sense of smell, a pitiful howl and blunt teeth also sets the human apart, and he may have difficulty making friends.

Because the human child’s flimsy jaw simply can’t generate the enormous pressure required to strip meat from a moose carcass, he will likely have to settle for soup and/or a salad. Worse, since the child is relatively weak and can only stumble barefoot across uneven terrain for short distances, his ability to take down a 500-pound caribou is severely limited.

So, as a clinical child psychologist and/or family therapist, how do we help the human child adjust to his or her wolf family?

First, find the child a bicycle. There are numerous organizations that specialize in providing bikes to wolf children (Up With Wolf Children and WolfKids, Inc. are the two big ones). Since wolves can only ride specially modified bicycles, and usually under great stress in the Russian circus, the bike will give the child something he can be proud of. No, I can’t disembowel a guinea hen with my claws, the child will say, but I can balance on this two-wheeler, you wolf fuckers.

Also, the bike will allow the child to participate in pack hunting to a limited extent. Since he can now go a little faster, he might – in very rare cases – be able to ride alongside a very slow, sickly caribou and, if he’s lucky, jab at it with a sharp stick. He could also, perhaps, choke the caribou with his tire pump, or stab it with the kickstand once the animal is down. He can also celebrate in the kill by honking his bike horn at the moon – something a howling wolf can only dream of!

Wolf children often become confused and disillusioned as they grow older, and sometimes “act out” as teenagers. Some may even express a desire to live among their own species. At this time it’s usually a good idea to buy them another bike.


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