How to avoid a ticket for vehicular genocide

24 Jul

Next to a DUI, it’s probably one of the most severe (and expensive!) moving violations you can receive while driving: genocide.

Genocide – the systematic destruction of an entire ethnic or racial group – is generally the province of a totalitarian regime, but reckless driving can also cause a genocide, too. It’s not likely, but it is possible. If the group is small, for example.

If you kill over one million people, you may be cited for aggravated vehicular genocide.

You may ask: “how would I ever run over that many people with my car?”

Good question.

For one thing, many program cars were inadvertently produced as pogrom cars, like the Ford Final Solution and the Cadillac Gas Chamber.

“These cars were produced with the same commitment to quality and reliability that Ford owners have come to expect,” said chief designer Lars Olstad, in 1988. “Unfortunately, they also had the ability to prey upon people’s economic frustrations and misplaced sense of nationalism. They made marginalized people into scapegoats for a nation’s ills. While luxurious, they were also hopelessly xenophopic. They killed at will. That’s a serious design flaw.”

If you do find yourself sitting on the side of the road with a 10-mile swath of corpses behind you, plead with the cop for a warning. Tell him you didn’t see that ethnic group or political faction standing in the highway. If he doesn’t let you go, maybe it’s a good time to eat that cyanide tablet.

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