How to ask Satan for a new sofa

24 Jul

We’ve all done it. Late at night, when no one’s watching and we’re alone with our thoughts, we talk to Satan.

Hello, Satan; it’s me: Karen. I sure could use a new sofa.

It’s our private time with Satan. It’s the time we think he can hear us best.

I guess I’ve been busy lately. How are you? I kicked a puppy today, and I’ve been trying to start more fires.

It’s also the time we think we can hear him.

Hello, Karen; it’s Satan. Here’s your new sofa.

At which point there is usually a whistling sound like something falling, and we become pinned under a sofa, on our bed, in the dark with no one to help us.

So, we need to make time to talk to Satan, but we also need to know how to talk to Satan. Don’t ask for a sofa when you’re laying in bed. Just be there with Satan. Breathe deeply, and let his will be known to you.

Hello, Satan; it’s me: Karen. I still think I’d like a sofa but could you put it in the living room instead of right here on the bed with me? I mean, that’s ridiculous.

On second thought, don’t ask Satan for a sofa at all. He didn’t become ruler of the underworld by giving everyone a sofa.

Instead, just talk to Satan like you’re talking to an old friend. Tell him about whatever problems you’ve been having lately. Because he’s Satan he won’t care, but it will open a dialogue. If you feel your head twist completely around in a circle, know that he is there with you, consuming you.

Hello, Satan; it’s me: Karen. That really hurt my neck. I mean, what was the point? I think you broke something.

Finally, as the sun comes up and your day begins, try to keep Satan’s presence with you. You may have to call home periodically to see if your new sofa has arrived. Don’t be surprised if it’s the wrong color.

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One Response to “How to ask Satan for a new sofa”

  1. Tim March 19, 2012 at 12:27 am #

    I think I read a theological treatis on this once. Barth or Bergson, or someone like that. Yours is a damned sight funnier.

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